Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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*at a casino*
Me: How much are these chips worth?
Dealer: Sir those are Pringles
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.