I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup