@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

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@NewDadNotes

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

@thatUPSdude

*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles

@ChribHibble

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

@samuelhlowe

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.

@remmarg_yelsel

With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.

@chestrovert

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

@SteveSuckington

DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@JhonRules

Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.