(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
We’ve come full circle
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”