I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong