@thedadvocate01

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

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@GrantTanaka

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

@Jandalize

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

@KentWGraham

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

@Mike_It_Is

When I call her “Hun,” it’s not short for honey. It’s short for Attila.

@MentalAbortions

I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

@CrockettForReal

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

@skylerhanrath

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.