I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

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[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]


Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.


No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”


inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?


When I call her “Hun,” it’s not short for honey. It’s short for Attila.


I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”


Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.


My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up


Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.