I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
That 👊
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.