@EmmyStar79

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

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@baronvonbike

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

@kelkulus

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

@hopeygilmore

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

@Dutch_50

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

@kbnoswag

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

@DonQuickoats

When I see drivers with tinted windows I still stare at them in their eyes, or where I think their eyes are, so they think I’m superhuman

@TheAlexNevil

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

@PhilLaysheO

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.