I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
What the hell happened here.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.