@IamDrainBamaged

I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

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@AlanHungover

No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.

@Xalqee

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

@Shock_Monster

Nurse: It’s just a little prick..

Me: That’s what my gf said!

N: Ha

M: Haha

N: HAHA

M: HAHAHA!

N: You don’t have a gf, do you?

M: No.

@iAmDelFreaky

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

@dubiousrhetoric

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

@myonlymizztake

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”