I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky


Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend


what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password


Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away


I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.


[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*


Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze


Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?


MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom


Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.