@IamDrainBamaged

I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

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@rebrafsim

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@glutenfreematt

what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password

@MavenofHonor

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

@copymama

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@adamgreattweet

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

@mrtruthandsoul

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

@WritePlay

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.