@YuckyTom

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

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@VisionBored1

One of my son’s classmates saw me on camera and asked if I was Snow White so yes I’d say my tan has faded

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

@capnwatsisname

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

@The_KJM

I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

@Scdavis24

Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.

@MelvinofYork

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

@DurtMcHurtt

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?