I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

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One of my son’s classmates saw me on camera and asked if I was Snow White so yes I’d say my tan has faded


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.


Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows


I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.


A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.


Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.


My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me


[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?