I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
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I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do