I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

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Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.


If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?


*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.


[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.


You guys, The Hunger Games movie is distracting us from reality- which is, of course, The Hunger Games.


My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.


dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?


Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.


Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly