I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained