I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
cop: got any drugs on you
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.