date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
me: *quiet mumbling*
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie