@MomOnFire

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

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@Luiki89

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@markydoodoo

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

@TuSoonShakur

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

@birbigs

You guys, The Hunger Games movie is distracting us from reality- which is, of course, The Hunger Games.

@causticbob

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@climaxximus

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

@loudmouth_usa

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly