An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
how much for the angry fruit?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else