I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.