I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.