@pixelatedboat

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

You Might Also Like

@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

@arcadeseals

son: brent from school is bullying me

me: ask your teacher for help

[school]

son: miss roberts, will you help me beat up brent

@lazerdoov

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

@envydatropic

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

@Shock_Monster

“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter

@Maxine12339

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”