@BenSasse

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

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@theshantilly

*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

@OrdinaryAlso

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

@MonkeysMarch

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

@WilliamAder

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

@TheMichaelRock

Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.

@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

@Wine_honey1

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

@TheIronSherk

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

@ronnui_

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?