I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?