I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.