@WilliamAder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

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@GingerHotDish

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

@alexlumaga

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

@tsm560

That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.