@dugglebutt

I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

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@paperphotoyo

When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.

@ArfMeasures

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

@ADDiane

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

@mastrap84

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

@treywafer

Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics

@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@ADHDeanASL

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

@brennadine

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

@asimplesean

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.