I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

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When a man falls asleep next to me, I like to sniff his arm pit. Then he usually gets mad, I have to ride a different bus, it’s a big mess.


KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE


[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.


Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT


Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics


It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?


Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection


Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too


Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.