Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?