Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.