I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed


[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando


I’m looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga


There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.


Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?


[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


this bitcoin scam is so stupid like how could you fall for that, when I wanna double my money I send it to Prince Abolaji, hes Nigerian royalty and I’ve sent him over $6000. He’s having some bank issues so he hasn’t been able to send me back $12000 but that’s a man you can trust


Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.

Anybody know one?