@LoriLuvsShoes

I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

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@DanMentos

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

@shipwrecksean

I’m looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga

@Buffalojilll

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

@TucktheguyFly

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

@daemonic3

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@bocxtop

this bitcoin scam is so stupid like how could you fall for that, when I wanna double my money I send it to Prince Abolaji, hes Nigerian royalty and I’ve sent him over $6000. He’s having some bank issues so he hasn’t been able to send me back $12000 but that’s a man you can trust

@jeffpfeifer66

Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.

Anybody know one?