The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.
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STAGES OF DRUNK:
1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
whoa better pack an umbrella
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
“Is it in a barn?”
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*