@LoriLuvsShoes

I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

@MotherJonestown

STAGES OF DRUNK:

1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@HatfieldAnne

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

@Wine_Honey1

I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.

@ClichedOut

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

@AnkCoupleTO

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@TheNYAMProject

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*