Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
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kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.