Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.