I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie