I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Not recommended for beginners.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere