I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You Might Also Like
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.