I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Buying a well is money well spent.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have