Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Guantanamo Bae
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.