I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone


The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh


Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today


Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.


I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.


If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…


PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.


half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both