@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

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@spinereader

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

@maryfairybobrry

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

@SentenceReduced

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@BGH70

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

@EyesOfGreen73

PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.

@cjkasulke

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both