@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

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@Mardigroan

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

@drunktweets81

I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.

@BradBroaddus

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

@MarcusTheToken

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

@sofarrsogud

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

@PinkBlotMom

Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas