Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
#FunnyLife Insects
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?