I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.