@OMGSoOverIt

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

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@TheWeirdWorld

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

@DadandBuried

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

@ShutUpThatsWho

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

@primawesome

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@sirmunchie

Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*

@notacroc

INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

@MomOnFire

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?