I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭