I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.