I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*