I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam