I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
He-man has a Masters degree
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.