I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
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My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.