Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Meow

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.