I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.

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Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.


Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”

The Porsche is now mine, right?


90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys


When he finally says those three little words you’ve been waiting to hear – I bought cheese.


Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.


I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.


I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.


I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.


I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.


Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.