@jrogasm

I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.

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@ThugRaccoons

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

@nerdreign

I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.

@onion_an

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@jamdugg

Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*

@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”

@JosesLovesYou

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains