Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.
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I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*
Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains