I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.