I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I never needed anything more in my life
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.