I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My beach vacation Google searches
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Check your privilege
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…