I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Lmbo
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.