I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
seems like a niche market
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”