I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.