*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Happy Caturday!
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.