I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
You Might Also Like
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Realize this:
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?