Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
A snail is just a booger wearing a crash helmet
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.