I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

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Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.


*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*


Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.


“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”


THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.


I don’t like snakes, but “Diarrhea on a Plane” would be a lot scarier.


Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.