@amandajpanda

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife: “What are you doing?”

“Having an argument on Twitter”

“With a man or woman?”

“A lamp.”

@kibblesmith

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

@Rebecca8672

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@xLiserx

It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.

@wendchymes

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

@GorillaNipples1

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

@imteddybless

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

@dreamthievin

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!