@amandajpanda

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

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@linanneblack

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

@HatfieldAnne

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

@ericbove

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

@TheIntComShow

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

@truegritrumble

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty

WAITER: Baby?

ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir

@Marlebean

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy