@amandajpanda

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

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@TheHatStore

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

@Heissarcastic

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

@SatansTongue

*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work ūüôĀ

@ThisOneSayz

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

@daemonic3

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

@jake_lach

You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs

@Steelers1972

You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids