I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
You Might Also Like
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
this has to be peak English
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.