I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers