Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Dune (2021)
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them