I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

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BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you’re a zoo keeper none of them should get away


*flipping through recipes*

I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.


date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street


*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*


early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing


What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?


[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?


the point of twitter is to say things youre 20 percent sure of


“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”