@shkeeber

I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

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@trojansauce

BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you’re a zoo keeper none of them should get away

@AtCouchyB

*flipping through recipes*

I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.

@_coryrichardson

date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@prufrockluvsong

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

@mommajessiec

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@disxpix

the point of twitter is to say things youre 20 percent sure of

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”