@nappydolemite

I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.

I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.

- @nappydolemite

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@HansGrubertron

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

@CakeThrottle

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

@Schmoodles

Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁

@BallsMcBallski

Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Neighbor: If you don’t stay out of my heating duct I’m calling the cops.

@LeagueofNope

No thanks, people who hum to themselves.

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.

@WilliamAder

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

@Carbosly

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

@BritXNic

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.