Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: